Being Free

I've been trying to free up my heart lately to express itself more genuinely.

So I cry a lot more, sometimes even when I'm happy.  And I cry in the presence of others in a more abandoned way than ever before.

I laugh a lot too.  I'm enjoying people and enjoying myself, my silly self.  Turns out I can be really fun to be with.

I dance a lot.  And make faces.  And daydream.

And I'm more honest about my dreams . . . I feel my desire and I feel my disappointment and longing and I feel the peace the Lord brings . . . instead of short-circuiting the process by not dreaming, ignoring my desires and rationalizing against my disappointments.

And, among other things, I want to have babies. I want to be a mother. I want to put my nose in the crook of a baby's neck, close my eyes and just breathe it in. I want to throw a toddler into the air.  I want to tousle the hair of a teenager working on a project.  I want to see my husband's eyes in our child's.

I "lose" time a lot.  No wonder my mother was so often trying to keep me from "dilly-dallying" so I wouldn't miss the bus as a child . . . I like to move slowly.  I like to think, and watch and experience.  I hate to be rushed.

Growing up quickly and trying to look like I had it all together, I trained my heart to hide fear behind ambition, sadness behind reason, and creativity behind composure.  Somewhere I got the idea that Type A was the only way to be successful and failure was not an option.  I came down on myself with a very heavy hand, shushing and molding myself into what I thought "valuable" looked like.

Well, with the help of Jesus, a few "vital failures," my amazing husband and some precious friends, I'm peeling all that off to find out who I really am, and who I really want to be. 

Clears up a lot of internal conflict, taking off the shell that competes with your genuine heart. But it's hard to let go of old standards and ideals and give yourself freedom to be different, to have new standards and new ideals and to believe they're just as valid.   

I feel like I'm breaking the rules sometimes . . . like I cut school and the test got cancelled anyway . . . I guess that's what unmerited favor feels like.  

And it turns out I really like grace, even though for much of my life I've given it a requisite nod above a churning religious stomach.  I rarely experienced actual sentiment toward grace and have given it little of the real honor it deserves.   But as I increasingly recognize and believe how imperfect I am, how imperfect and ordinary I will always be, and that my tremendous value doesn't come from perfection or performance but from belonging to and being loved by "I AM," the more I really like grace, value grace, long to show grace.  

I read a surprising quote yesterday in the context of building character and perseverance  in children that said: "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly."  In other words, don't let perfectionism keep you from attempting wonderfully valuable and difficult things.  It's okay to make mistakes and it's okay to fall and it's okay not to be embarrassed about it . . . 

Jesus, You are all the righteousness I need. Thanks for setting me free from guilt and the law.