Things I do

It seemed like I got nothing accomplished yesterday. And by evening I was feeling pretty crabby about the cobwebs in the bathroom and the general state of my ambition. So I did what any recovering perfectionist would do:     

I made a list.  

Things I do:

make homemade breads

put flowers in the bathroom

dishes 3x a day

notice when the toilet needs cleaning

RSVP

write thank-you notes

mend clothes

plant flowers

replace trash bags

bleach the sink

have coffee with friends

apologize

snuggle

open the shades

read in bed 

google definitions

debate posting a facebook status

annihilate dish sets

leave a light on

conserve

buy more vegetables

throw away old food

stash favorite pens

brush my tongue

make myself laugh

take out extra words

make lists.

Going with your gut

I had to make a really tough decision yesterday . . . so this post is about going with your gut. 

Not going with your gut as in succumbing to a few extra pounds around the middle, but about intuition and learning to trust it. Or you might call it being Spirit led.  I don't know if those words are really interchangeable but you get the idea. 

Going with your gut means knowing when to say "Yes!" and when to say "No, thank you," when it's okay to leave your doors unlocked and when to get a dog.  For a rational thinker with what my friend Meg calls an "over active guilt complex" it also means saying "no" sometimes, to people or needs or opportunities without having what feels like very good reasons.  And it can be HARD.  Hard to disappoint people. Hard to avoid toying with regret or beating yourself over the head with unnecessary guilt. Hard to remember that that "no" was really just a "yes" to something else.  

But yesterday I had to just trust my gut and trust my husband and shush my brain full of "what ifs" and "ya-buts."  And today I'm trying to live in that decision with joy, thankfulness and trust that even when I make mistakes, the Lord is big enough to sustain me.   

I wonder what "yes" yesterday's "no" will have opened up  . . . .

Being Free

I've been trying to free up my heart lately to express itself more genuinely.

So I cry a lot more, sometimes even when I'm happy.  And I cry in the presence of others in a more abandoned way than ever before.

I laugh a lot too.  I'm enjoying people and enjoying myself, my silly self.  Turns out I can be really fun to be with.

I dance a lot.  And make faces.  And daydream.

And I'm more honest about my dreams . . . I feel my desire and I feel my disappointment and longing and I feel the peace the Lord brings . . . instead of short-circuiting the process by not dreaming, ignoring my desires and rationalizing against my disappointments.

And, among other things, I want to have babies. I want to be a mother. I want to put my nose in the crook of a baby's neck, close my eyes and just breathe it in. I want to throw a toddler into the air.  I want to tousle the hair of a teenager working on a project.  I want to see my husband's eyes in our child's.

I "lose" time a lot.  No wonder my mother was so often trying to keep me from "dilly-dallying" so I wouldn't miss the bus as a child . . . I like to move slowly.  I like to think, and watch and experience.  I hate to be rushed.

Growing up quickly and trying to look like I had it all together, I trained my heart to hide fear behind ambition, sadness behind reason, and creativity behind composure.  Somewhere I got the idea that Type A was the only way to be successful and failure was not an option.  I came down on myself with a very heavy hand, shushing and molding myself into what I thought "valuable" looked like.

Well, with the help of Jesus, a few "vital failures," my amazing husband and some precious friends, I'm peeling all that off to find out who I really am, and who I really want to be. 

Clears up a lot of internal conflict, taking off the shell that competes with your genuine heart. But it's hard to let go of old standards and ideals and give yourself freedom to be different, to have new standards and new ideals and to believe they're just as valid.   

I feel like I'm breaking the rules sometimes . . . like I cut school and the test got cancelled anyway . . . I guess that's what unmerited favor feels like.  

And it turns out I really like grace, even though for much of my life I've given it a requisite nod above a churning religious stomach.  I rarely experienced actual sentiment toward grace and have given it little of the real honor it deserves.   But as I increasingly recognize and believe how imperfect I am, how imperfect and ordinary I will always be, and that my tremendous value doesn't come from perfection or performance but from belonging to and being loved by "I AM," the more I really like grace, value grace, long to show grace.  

I read a surprising quote yesterday in the context of building character and perseverance  in children that said: "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly."  In other words, don't let perfectionism keep you from attempting wonderfully valuable and difficult things.  It's okay to make mistakes and it's okay to fall and it's okay not to be embarrassed about it . . . 

Jesus, You are all the righteousness I need. Thanks for setting me free from guilt and the law.